Edward and the Pirate
by Miss Whoniverse
Summary: Emmett and some of his antics involving Bella, Edward and the other Cullens. Bella is a vampire. Read and Review! Due to popular demand, it has been made into a series. Enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

**A funny one shot about Emmett and one of his daily antics. Varied POV. I hope you like it, and if it reaches excellence in reviews it may become a series. O This is after Bella becomes a vampire, luckily for her.**

**Edward and the Pirate**

I watched my angel quietly. We were snuggled together on our big gold and black bed, and she was reading a Charles Dickens book she got from Jasper. They had opposing tastes, especially with regards to poetry.

I watched her eyes flicking quickly and steadily around her page, and her slow steady breathing was relaxing. We sat like that for a while, and I began to massage her head, twining my fingers through her hair. She sighed through her nose and shut her eyes. I smiled and kept going as she shut her book and relaxed into me. I shut my eyes and continued.

_This is going to be good. Bella won't know what hit her... _Emmett.

I snapped my head up towards the door anxiously. Emmett did not sound like he had thought whatever it was through. I watched the door, listening intently, as I waited for some sign that would clue me in on what he was planning. Bella looked up at me and I smiled grimly, showing anticipation in my face. She seemed to pick up on my concentration and settled for staring out the window, waiting.

I heard his thoughts again, but to no avail – he was chanting the French national anthem backwards in Korean. This seemed a little extreme for Emmett's brain capacity, but that wasn't worrying me as much as what must be going on behind the chant.

I jumped up from the bed and ran to the door, sticking my head out to search for Emmett.

I heard a massive crash and glass shattering behind me. I felt shards of glass bouncing off me as I whipped around.

Bella screamed, but not about the glass. A figure clutching a rope was in mid swing through our room, having just swung through our window, sporting a pirates cap and eye patch. At the peak of his swing, he grinned evilly and I saw a gold-capped tooth. He swung back down again and before Bella or I could react, he grabbed her around the waist and sailed back out the window with her. I bellowed in rage and ran to the window as she shrieked for me.

The massive figure, now identified as Emmett, threw my angel calmly from the rope at the top of the swing, and flipped daintily from the rope onto the roof, watching the events unfold.

Bella wailed as she plummeted the several stories to the ground. I leapt without a second thought from the window, and was in midair when she struck the ground with a sickening crunch. I watched her so closely that I barely noticed the ground flying up to hit me, hard. My face was buried (literally) in the ground before I even realised I had landed.

I stiffly wrenched myself from my imprint and staggered over to her. Her eyes were half open, but empty. Her body was splayed out and looked broken, though I knew she was intact; what with her vampire strength. I silently thanked the heavens that she was a regular, strong vampire, and her aversion to blood hadn't carried on into her undead life making her reluctant to drink, and therefore weak. I had given the matter a lot of thought.

I dropped to my knees beside her, patiently waiting for her to win her struggle with the shock of being dropped from the height of a building. Her eyes slowly moistened as she 'woke,' though it is impossible for her to sleep – she was just dazed. She looked at me and swallowed roughly, trying to speak. I helped her to sit up and she finally said, "Edward..."

"I'm here. You're fine," I tried to lighten the mood with a joke. "Good thing for vampire strength, huh?"

She smiled vaguely, and springing lithely to her feet, having 'woken' quickly, she looked around, apparently surprised to be out here. I stood up as well, suddenly remembering my would-be anger.

I snarled. My emotional capacity had been filled with shock and worry for my Bella's wellbeing, but now my fury broke through. I turned my head upwards very slowly, to stare at Emmett who was shaking with laughter up on the roof. Bella followed my gaze, and her eyes darkened marginally. Her own growl built up in her chest before tearing her lips open and escaping.

"I'm coming for you, Emmett," she said quietly, voice deadly and at a volume I might have used to speak from a metre away.

He heard her. He straightened abruptly and turned to flee. Bella suddenly wasn't by my side.

I turned instantly, just in time to see the back of her head disappear from our window, having just scaled the wall and gone back through the broken glass. I followed, prowling through my room. I would have been amused at my Bella's reaction if I wasn't busy plotting Emmett's second death.

_SHIT! OW, OWW! STOP! _Emmett's cries rang through my ears and my mind. Bella's fresh snarl tore at my ears alone, and I darted into the hall to see Emmett flat on his stomach with Bella straddling his back.

She had one hand twisted up in his hair, and the other gripping his chin and pulling it back further and further.

"WHAT WAS THAT?" she screeched in his ear. He whimpered at the noise, and she wrenched his head back further. He howled.

"Pardon?" snapped Bella. Emmett made a choked sound and Bella released his head to allow him to speak.

"I will never, _ever _drop you again," said Emmett in a tiny voice laced with fear. He, always the idiot, continued. "Jeez Squirt, of all the people beating me up about dropping you, I thought it would be Esme or Edward." Bella jabbed his head and sprang from his back, coiling herself for retaliation.

Emmett rose warily, and turned to see me glaring at him murderously. He raised his hands in defeat and thought at me. _I've already been beaten up BAD by your wife; will you give me a break?? It was a joke, come on, man! _He pleaded.

"No," I said curtly, and pounced.


	2. Chapter 2

**Sigh. Due to popularity, and my tendency to please anyone who asks for something, you lucky readers get another chapter! Enjoy! Review or Emmett will eat you.**

**This is set a few months after the Pirate incident, and Emmett has not learned his lesson. He helps and then he mocks. Hasn't he figured out that Belle is vicious and will (at least try) to fight him? Bella's POV for a bit of a change.**

**Also, if you liked this, you might want to try my other story; The Price of Forever.**

**Bella and the Kung-Fu Champion**

My eyes homed in on the crocodile. I had been running for a few days and I really needed sustenance. Edward was off slaughtering cats in the mountains, but I was going to find something new and tasty! Mountain lion was sickly sweet, so it was alright for a treat, but I don't want sugary blood for eternity. Deer and elk are slimy and tasteless. It's time I found something I liked.

Crocodile was something new.

I closed my eyes and released myself to my instincts. They promptly opened my eyes for me, and pushed me into a low crouch. I settled into the balls of my feet, with my hands palms-down on the ground with my weight pressed on my fingers. I didn't know anything about crocodiles, or how strong they were, so my instincts decided to play it safe and go all out.

I leaned forwards slightly, and pushed off with my feet and digits. I soared through the air, overshooting slightly and landing past the croc. It whipped to face me and wheeled around, faster than I expected. While a deliberated how fast to attack this new prey, the croc snaked his head in and fastened it on my leg, yanking hard. I shrieked as I fell backwards, completely taken by surprise. I had _never _met an animal that fought back like this! And this surpassed that; I was the one defending myself now! I was on my back beneath the animal, and it was strong... nearly vampire strong.

The croc's teeth didn't break through my skin, but it was still painful. I yelped and twisted to free one leg from under the crocodile. I raised my heel and jabbed the animal in the eye, hard. It roared and released me, stumbling back, and I flipped backwards using my hands, then landed on my good foot, waiting for my healing to start. It did, slowly. I wasn't fed enough to defend myself well or heal well. I needed blood. Maybe I should go grab a deer and then re-challenge the crocodile? I would normally be able to win, but without sustenance it was stronger than me. Bad move, Bella.

My pride and my senses dismissed that option. I was deep in swampland and there were no weak animals above water for a fair way. I hadn't realised how much I needed blood right now... but it might be too late. My pride conjured a growl and sent it through my lips in annoyance. A vampire running from an animal?

Unbelievable. A strong, healthy, if underfed vampire against a short, stubby, scaled thing, and _losing. _Emmett could never hear of this or I would never _stop _hearing of this.

Speak of the devil.

As I went in for another go, snarling menacingly, a foot came out of nowhere, followed by a leg, followed by a massive body, and that was followed by a large head with an absurd black rag tied around it.

Emmett. What a joker. I stood and watched as he kicked the crocodile's head, and I was amused at how he looked as he did a side kick to the head, and then sloshed through the knee deep swamp mud to snap the dazed creature's neck.

He looked at me expectantly. I stared back, taking in his outfit – or lack of. He was wearing a silk robe, Japanese style, and had a karate belt tied to his head. What was wrong with him?!

He spoke. "What happened, exactly? Are you insane?" he cocked his head. "You take on a random crocodile for NO REASON, _and _you aren't fed! Are you trying to get yourself stranded? It can't kill you, but you'd end up broken and unhealed because you're so weak!"

I stared at him. "Um, Emmett, I was hungry. That's why I hunted... duh."

He looked at me incredulously. "What were you hunting? Like, a deer? And the croc stole it? So what! Go find another deer, don't freaking take the croc on!"

What is he talking about? He really must be insane. He wasn't grasping anything. I tried the slow, therapist-worthy approach. "Emmett, are you ok? You know how I need to feed off animal blood, right? And the croc was my meal, that's why I was fighting him. What are you doing here?"

Silence. "Emmett...?" I asked carefully. He responded.

"BAHAHAHAHA! HAH! Bel- BELLA!" he wheezed, choking around his words. "You- it... HAHAHA!"

I glared at him, annoyed. So much for therapy. So much for SANITY!

He wiped a tear of mirth from his eye. "Ah..." he regained composure. "Now, Bella... you do know that crocs are cold blooded, right?" I nodded sarcastically. What did that have to do with anything? "And you know how we have to drink before our prey's blood gets cold, right? And that's why we go so fast?"

I glared. "Yes, Emmett, I know! Get to the point! I don't care if they're cold blooded or that we drink when the blood is still warm bec-" I stopped. Oops. Great. Now I looked like a complete idiot. Cold blooded? Cold blood is useless! We need warm! I am such an _idiot!_

Emmett smirked, having apparently come to the same conclusion. I growled at him. "What are you doing here, anyway?" I snapped.

"Watching you hunt to make sure you do ok, and to see how you handle it. Carlisle sent me to keep an eye on you. Don't know why he didn't pick someone else... the girls will just talk and Edward or Jasper would just help you, I guess, but still." He rolled his eyes. "Edward is so right about the danger magnet thing... I leave for two minutes to get my costume to surprise you after your first success, and I find you in a brawl with a mad croc! You're insane!!"

I looked glumly at my feet. His eyes softened automatically, and he picked me up gently, cradle style, and carried me out of the swamp. As he walked, he looked down at me and grinned.

"You looked pretty good out there, Titch, but try fighting an elk or something next time." I smiled at him.

"Thanks for killing it. What would have happened if I drank the cold blood?"

He shuddered. "You don't want to know. But it hurts, trust me. Come to think of it, I'm not sure why you didn't smell that the blood was cold. Normally we don't go for coldies because we can tell," he said, musingly. Then he beamed again. "But don't worry!" he boomed. "Kung-Fu Champion will always look after his baby sister!"

I laughed and pressed my head into his chest as he walked. I loved him so much; he was so sweet... and embarrassing.

Something about his chest woke the déjà vu sense in me... oh! That pirate thing! He had crushed me to his chest in the same way!

I leapt from his arms and glared at him, crouching. He stopped in surprise. I felt a bit bad about ruining the brother-sister moment, but the memory of Pirate Emmett overrode that. I hissed.

"What?" he said, surprised. "Do I smell or something?"

I laughed. "No, _pirate_," I said. Comprehension dawned on his face. "But I feel I haven't gotten you back sufficiently for that incident."

He backed away, palms up. "Come on!" he whined. "You beat me up after that! And then Edward did too! I thought he was going to tear my arm off, and that _hurts! _He has done it before you know, and it takes ages for it to reattach and it HURTS so much!" He rambled on about it while I advanced slowly. I could tell from his eyes that he wasn't fed either so he was about as strong as me, or weaker...

Panic filled his eyes as I swept myself into a jump and hit him, only to wrap my arms around him and settle there, curled up and waiting for him to take my weight and carry me the same as earlier.

He stared at me, wondering why I wasn't killing him. I grinned.

"Oh, by the way, gotcha."


	3. Chapter 3

**I am very sorry guys, but this is the last bit of Emmett's Antics. I have two other long fics going and I am paying more attention to them; plus I have damn school. School is so annoying; I know what I need to know already; LEAVE ME ALONE!**

**I don't own Twilight. I do own the fluff I decided to inject into this chapter.**

**Sorry for short chapter, but this is the conclusion... I didn't have the energy to write a full length one. Soz! Try my other stories!**

**Also, the title may be misconstrued – there is no vampire bear, hehe**

**Bella and the Living Dead Bear**

Edward had his eyes closed, and he was calmly resting his head in my lap. A heavenly smile played across his lips as I stroked his hair carefully. It was soft and smooth, flopping limp as I lifted then dropped each clomp.

It was so peaceful compared to normal... no Emmett trying to kill me by force... no Rosalie or Alice trying to kill me by shopping... just Edward and I relaxing on the floor by our wall length window with nothing disturbing us. I bent over him and pressed my lips to his. Instead of staying limp as he had been, he came to life and quickly grabbed my head, keeping it against his. I melted into him and licked his bottom lip. He opened his mouth obediently and out tongues danced together, as in love as we were with each other.

After a few moments he released my mouth. I raised my head and looked into his eyes. They were not honey coloured, but a golden brown that was darkening by the hour. I brushed my lips to his forehead.

"Love, you need to hunt," I told him warmly. "Your eyes look like mine used to."

He smiled at that and sat up, stretching his muscles though they did not need it.

"Come on then, hon. We will go and sate our thirst together," he said, offering me his arm.

I accepted it, smiling, and we took off like twin bullets into the woods.

I smelt a large bear, female, in heat. She wasn't pregnant. I never hunted pregnant animals or nursing mother animals. It was against my nature, however ironic that was.

I took off towards the bear, dodging trees as though I had been raised in the forest. I could smell Emmett's lingering scent around this area; there must have been a group of bears around that he fancied as well.

I caught sight of my bear, and it looked odd. Kind of off, like it was floppy while it was upright. I didn't worry about it – my nose didn't lie.

I pounced at it, and it smelled strongly of Emmett and not as strongly of blood. I considered that as I flew towards it, then landed on its chest.

I bit down into its neck and made to suck its blood, but there was none. I stood up, bewildered and coughing from sucking nothing, when suddenly Emmett landed in front of me with a loud thud, startling me out of my wheezing fit. I stared as he rolled around, booming with laughter, and my mind made an actual clicking sound in my head as I realised his source of amusement.

Emmett seriously needed help. He would go to any lengths to play a joke on anyone (especially me).

Even if that meant sucking a bear dry, climbing a tree, holding the bear up with clear string and waiting for me to come and get it, which was stupid anyway because the chances of me coming for this particular bear at that particular moment out of all the animals and all the moments to choose from, are very low.

But that's Emmett for you and that's my luck for me. Stupid Fate and its stupid prejudice against me.

**You like? I hope it was a good ending!! Review pls!! 8D**


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